Author Archives: Michael Procopio

Donna Summer Hot Lunch.

When disco invaded my home in the spring of 1976, it came by virtue of Donna Summer’s voice. Perhaps “virtue” is a poor word choice given the fact that, thanks to the her extended dance version of the song “Love to Love You Baby”, I learned how to fake an orgasm at the tender age of six. Continue reading

Posted in Celebrities, Sandwiches | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

(Pimento) Cheese Balls

I thought perhaps this dish was an acquired taste like scotch or tripe or spanking, and I was right. Nevertheless, I threw myself into the task of acclimating to its I-may-not-need-teeth-to-eat-this-but-I-will-need-a-strong-digestive-system-to-process-it texture and succeeded. Much like scotch or tripe or spanking, once you acquire that taste, there is no going back. Continue reading

Posted in Rants and Stories, Savories | Tagged , , , , , , | 35 Comments

Iles Flottantes: A Titanic Dessert Disaster

My original line of thinking was that I would make my 1/2 Titanic garnish thick enough to stand up by itself on the plate, but my engineering skills fall into a distant second place to my own imagination and the poor little boats kept falling over and sinking into the murky blue. Continue reading

Posted in Stage, Film, and Television, Sweets and the Like | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments

Paint Jobs and Poster Children.

It’s very gratifying to be noticed. Even more so to be in such good company. And lord knows I’m used to being watched these days, namely by housepainters who get an eyeful each morning as they scrape and hammer and brush away outside my living room window. Continue reading

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I Won’t Eat Kale

Though famed for fighting cancers
Such as colon, breast, and ovary,
To arsenic I’d turn for answers
Just like Madame Bovary. Continue reading

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Super Tuesday Santorum Cake

This rich, chocolatey cake is entirely egg-free. Not due to wartime rationing, thank heavens, but because the author believes deeply in the concept of chickenhood. All eggs– both fertilized and non– have the right to grow into the poultry God intended them to be: clucking, happy, beheaded, fried, and eaten on the campaign trail.

The absence of dairy products means the texture of this dessert utterly oil-dependent.

And, of course, there are nuts.
Continue reading

Posted in Celebrities, Sweets and the Like | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments

Lost in Translation: A Love Cake

It looked like a Dutch Baby abandoned on the doorstep of a French woman with no maternal instinct.
Continue reading

Posted in Celebrities, Holidays | Tagged , , , , , , , | 19 Comments

Turner & Hooch

If I had to think about Turner and Hooch, it was going to be on my terms. And my terms generally involve cocktails. Continue reading

Posted in Celebrities, Liquids, Stage, Film, and Television | Tagged , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Goodbye Twelve, Hello Thirteen…

What mattered, I suppose, was that a throng of teenaged girls loved it. Well, they loved the cake pops certainly. They ate what was underneath when there were no more of them to devour. What (seemingly) took forever to produce was gone in no time.

Just like my goddaughter’s little girlhood. Continue reading

Posted in Holidays, Rants and Stories, Sweets and the Like | Tagged , , , , , , | 49 Comments

(Not) My Grandmother’s Panna Cotta

the only desserts my grandmother ever made herself were the uninspired, quivering kind: raspberry Jell-O, Royal brand chocolate pudding, and the most boring of all, panna cotta. Or panna cot’ as she liked to call it. Continue reading

Posted in Sweets and the Like | Tagged , , , , , | 20 Comments