Ku Klux Klams

Ku Klux KlamsClams are, by instinct and necessity of location, bottom feeders. They spend most of their lives buried under the sand, revealing themselves only at high tide, which is when they seem to be happiest, as the saying goes.

Due to a rather unnatural and difficult-to-explain-to-the-rest-of-the-world phenomenon which occurred on or around the 8th of November, 2016, millions of clams have simultaneously decided it was safe to come out of their marine and freshwater hiding places.

What, you might ask, can we do with such a surprising and overwhelming abundance? One’s natural instinct is to eat them. But how?

Clams in white wine and garlic are always a treat. New England clam chowder, too. But these recipes feel tainted, like they just aren’t white enough for current American tastes.

After an exhaustive search, I have found the perfect recipe for Today’s America deep in the bowels of Breitbart.com’s underused and discontinued food page*. I have merely changed  a few of the directions, added a few notes, and given it a catchier name to avoid copyright infringement.

Ku Klux Klams

Warning: Clams are unashamed shell-dwellers and are therefore treif. Sorry, Jews.

Serves: Quite possibly 4 to 8 years.


For the Steamed Clams:

• 50 littlehand littleneck clams. Do not use Manila clams as they are invasive and tend to steal healthcare jobs.
• 4 tablespoons of butter. If you are avoiding butter for health reasons, use bacon grease. If you use olive oil, your neighbors may accuse you of being Catholic or, worse, Greek Orthodox.
• 1/2 white onion, finely diced. Do not add garlic (see above).
• 8 ounces of clam juice
• 1/2 can of real beer, which is any beer with a proper German name or wrapped in an American flag.

To make White Sauce**

• 2 tablespoons of butter
• 2 tablespoons of white flour
• ¼teaspoon of salt
• 1/8 teaspoon of white pepper (Note: black pepper will ruin the purity of your sauce.)
• 1 cup of whole milk.


1.  Heat butter and/or bacon grease in a large, heavy-bottomed pot (which is accompanied
by a tight-fitting lid). Dutch ovens are grudgingly acceptable. Add the onion and sauté
until transparent and almost ghostlike. Add beer and whisk together.

2.  Add clams and clam juice to the pot, cover, and let seethe for 8 to 10 minutes until they
open. Any clams which refuse to open up should be set aside and commended.

3.  As the clams stew in their juices, melt 2 tablespoons of butter in a small saucepan over
low heat. Add flour, salt, and white pepper. Stir until the mixture smooths and bubbles.
Do not overcook or allow to turn any shade of brown.

4. Stir in the milk and heat, whipping it up into an alarming froth for about one minute or
until it thickens enough to coat anything it touches.

5. Remove clams from their broth and place them in a large porcelain (white) serving
bowl. Enrobe the clams by pouring the white sauce over them in violent, swirling
motions. Do not garnish.

Editor’s Note: To serve, bring the bowl to your guests who have assembled hungrily around your table. Stare down at your handiwork and recoil in horror at what you’ve just created. You are more than welcome to break down in tears at this moment. Your guests will be confused, but they will wait. Apologize to them, stating that no one has to eat this garbage and that you’re sorry you ever brought it to the table in the first place. Remove the clams from the table, place in a heavy-duty garbage bag, tie firmly closed, and throw away immediately. Remind yourself to scrub the hell out of your kitchen in the morning.

Return to the table with cheese and crackers or whatever you might have on hand that will tide over your guests for the next 60 minutes until the Pakistani food you ordered from GrubHub arrives. Pour a round of drinks and wonder what other kinds of crap people will try to feed you over the next few years.

Stock up on more alcohol.

* There is no food page on Breitbart.com. Please tell me you knew that.

** Or, if you are one of my French readers who is a fan of Marine Le Pen, sauce béchamel.

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About Michael Procopio

I write about food and am very fond of Edward Gorey. And gin.
This entry was posted in Rants and Stories, Savories and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

30 Responses to Ku Klux Klams

  1. Peter says:

    Dutch ovens are all right if they’re named Geert Wilders.

  2. diane leach says:

    Um, have I ever read Breitbart? I confess to avoiding their, ah, “news” site.

    Crying and alcohol? Yes and yes. See also: binge eating, potato chips, sour cream, Vietnamese food, and beta-blocking medications.

    A marvelous post.

    • I’ve never read it either, but I did check to see if they actually had a food page, just in case. I doubt that actual food is important to them, given that they feed off of fear and ignorance.

  3. Andrew says:

    Easily the best political piece I’ve read thus far. Thanks Michael.

    On a technical note, I’m glad to see you used rel=”nofollow” tags on the Breitbart links. 🙂

  4. JosieinParis says:

    I love Step 2

  5. Alles says:

    O, Micheal! So happy you’re along for the ride in the next four years. They say unrest foments revolution foments art: which is why the 80’s were so amazing, right‽

    • Alles says:

      …and another reason why we should be able to edit our posts, dear Michael. 🙂

      • Well, as a teenager in the 80s, the decade for me was pretty fraught. But it did produce some extraordinary music, no?

        And “yes” to the edit ability. If you tell me the precise wording you actually wanted, I can edit for you. And then edit this bit as well.

  6. Mary says:

    Great post! Alcohol has been a very important part of my day since the 8th. My liver won’t be able to handle 8 years of this though. My brain is already trying to shut down.

  7. marylou says:

    another priceless gem. thanks for the laugh!

  8. Susan says:

    Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could throw that whole mess out in a garbage bag? Since it’s not that easy, I’m just avoiding the news for the next 4 years.

    • Susan,

      I wish you luck with that news-avoidance project.

      I was originally going to create a cocktail called The Sleeping Draught, which would put me into a deep, peaceful sleep that would last until the mid-term elections, but then this little idea popped into my head.

  9. Millie says:

    Thanks! Too bad there’s no Pakistani food in East TN.

  10. Amy says:

    *sigh* I definitely will be drinking the next 4 years. Thanks for the brilliant post.

  11. MaggieToo says:

    I shall henceforth employ the verb “to seethe” whenever I am sweating any vegetable.

    (Has anyone else noticed that most all of Procopio’s commenters fall automatically into his rather formal writing style when leaving replies here? I would bet this is the first time in the past year that I’ve used the words “shall” or “henceforth”, and yet they just popped right out of my keyboard unbidden. “Unbidden” — there’s another one! Swat it!)

    • It’s a good, apt word, isn’t it, MaggieToo?

      You consider my writing style formal? I’ve never, ever given it any thought, but I suppose you’re right. It happens to be the way I talk.

      I am glad, however, that my style might influence others, although that seems rather unbelievable to me.

  12. Christine says:

    Congrats on your inclusion in “Best Food Writing 2016”. Have the various iterations from past years in printed form, but gave in for the last two years and they are on my electronic reader.

  13. AS says:

    This is a wonderful blog. As a Brit who is still pissed off about Brexit, I empathise about the tangerine turd and all those who sail in him. I shall be making the time to read through more of these posts! The ‘About’ page is an absolute delight.

    ’50 littlehand littleneck clams. Do not use Manila clams as they are invasive and tend to steal healthcare jobs.’

    I die!

  14. The foodie says:

    Tried it and it was very good. Thanks for your post which has helped me and even others
    in developing cooking skills. We hope more posts from you. Guys you can also check out others recipes down here,thanks…(LINK REMOVED)

    • If you tried this recipe and you thought it was good, I must question that you are actually a person. I have removed the unasked for link to your blog and re-directed the curious to the ACLU’s website. Cheers.

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