I won’t eat kale, I won’t eat kale.
There’s nobody can make me.
I’d rather eat a coffin nail
And pray the Lord to take me.
It’s good for you! A super food!
I hear the health nuts spittle.
Which leaves me with an attitude
That’s worse than non-committal.
It used to be for mere display
around a garden’s borders.
But now, alas, to my dismay,
Kale’s served on doctors’ orders.
Of flavonoids, there’s forty-five
for detox comprehensive.
But I’d prefer to burn alive
Than eat what’s so offensive.
Though famed for fighting cancers
Such as colon, breast, and ovary,
To arsenic I’d turn for answers
Just like Madame Bovary.
I’m fond of many other leaves
Like collards and Swiss chard
But kale, I say, gives me the heaves
More than frenching a St. Bernard.
Curly, plain, or dinosaur
I never will inhale.
I’d rather touch a gyno sore
Than eat a plate of kale.
God knows that it’s been blogged to death
By people meaning well
And I just might be flogged to death
For damning kale to hell.
“What harm’s it ever done to you?”
You very well might ask me.
After I tell you, I may well impel you to
Embalm me and then cask me.
In a town made of celebrity maps
And high profile divorces,
I worked for a woman with toothy caps
Much larger than a horse’s.
She swore by kale– its healthy merits–
Which always caused me pain.
I’d opt to be rogered to death by ferrets
Than think of her mouth again.
Those equine teeth with bits of green matter
Caught in between her gums
Was enough to cause my stomach to scatter
(And a growing addiction to Tums®).
The thought still haunts me in my dreams
And causes psychic pain.
So I’d rather be quartered by oxen teams
Than ever see kale again.
Hilarious! I’m also bored of finding kale everywhere in English-speaking blogs, is really that popular? Hardly ever heard of it here in Spain…
It is really and truly that popular. It has overtaken cupcakes. My universe is imploding. I don’t know what to think anymore.
This is the most outstanding poem about a vegetable that I have ever read.
Since I’ve already tackled fungus poetry, I thought a vegetable would be the next, logical step.
https://foodforthethoughtless.com/2008/02/fungal-love/
xom
A damning tale of leafy woe
Might incite the ire of most.
I do find your clever rhyme though
Quite deserving of a toast.
I cannot begin to tell you how pleased I am that you decided to comment in quatrain. Thank you.
“Of flavonoids, there’s forty-five
for detox comprehensive.
But I’d prefer to burn alive
Than eat what’s so offensive.”
LOL! What if there were 46?
Hilarious! I eat kale for health benefits and wonder how can people love it so much to call it delicious 🙂
Made me laugh, thanks
Olga
If there were 46, I might reconsider. I totally understand eating it for health benefits. I really, really do.
Thank *you* for reading. And commenting.
Michael
Oh this is beautiful in its own right.
When do we get a post about the former employer with the equine teeth?? Can’t wait. I’m sure it’ll be a real tribute.
xo
I’ve been toying with the idea of a piece about her. And that place. However, I recently learned that she has gone completely and utterly off her rocker and believes that the entire universe is out to get her.
Such things come from a life ill-lived.
I’ll get working on it straight away.
xom
Kale responds:
We’ve no oxen, nails or ferret clans
With which to give you pleasure
Your absence from our legions of fans
Is a loss far beyond measure
This sudden, uninvited hate
All your rhyming disregard
For a few stray greens upon your plate?
Sir Procopio, that’s hard
Dear Kale,
I’d no idea you could speak
With eloquent indignation.
I therefore shall live out the week
In contrite contemplation.
So. There it is. The best call-and-response I could ever have hoped to see.
xof
I always find it difficult not to respond to any call– especially when said call is delivered in poetic form.
hhahaha this is hilarious! Love this ode to anti-kale-ism (I’m sure that’s a word!).
If it wasn’t a word, it certainly is now. And I shall see to it that you receive full credit.
Though famed for fighting cancers
Such as colon, breast, and ovary,
I’d rather eat chocolate
Because food is not supposed to be medicine
(Free verse – no rhyming)
Actually, I think food probably is the best medicine.
And, as such, I firmly believe in the healing powers of chocolate.
You are a commenter after my own heart.
Michael
Haha this definitely made me giggle. I keep thinking I need to add kale to things because of all the health benefits, but it does not seem like something I’d enjoy.
I didn’t think scotch would be something I’d enjoy either but, after years of trying, I have acquired a taste for it.
I drink it for its health benefits.
I suppose the same argument can be made for kale.
It’s too bad, I quite like kale
Though not because it’s healthy
I’ll eat it raw, or cooked in stews
Plus it’s cheap, and I’m not wealthy
I always floss it from my teeth
I don’t like to give offense!
But truth be told, I prefer rare steak
(That’s all I’ll say in kale’s defense)
Dear Trix,
Cheap and healthy makes kale sound
A harlot in a spa
(And that in quatrain you expound
Leaves this poor blogger in awe).
Thanks for the poem!
I love Kale in my Zuppa Toscana
I am a firm believer in the idea that giving things Italian names makes just about any food item more appetizing.
I’d eat kale every day for a year if we could have Sean Payton.
Hell, I’d probably eat kale for a year if I could have Matthew Broderick.
ha ha hilarious! The poem and the comments. What a good dose of laughter this morning from Kuwait 🙂 I mean we don’t even get Kale as often here but I know people know about the craze already since all the blogs tend to blog about it!
Kulsum– And now, I suppose, I have to count myself among the millions who mention kale. I may need to be shot.
I’m glad you enjoy the comment section. Sometimes, I think that’s my favorite part of the post.
You may not see it, but I am bowing to your awesomeness. Best. Poem. Ever. Oh, and just for the record, kale gives me the creeps. 🙂
Thank you, Becky. I’m glad we’re in kale-related agreement! My only hope is that you do not bow too low– it’s murder on the spine. xom
Every week when I go the market here in Tunisia I have to give myself a little talk. You might see it this week…..surely with the change in season it will pop up…….maybe next month the dreaded green will rear its mangy head….And every week I rejoice that no kale has been found! I am now 7 months free of kale. For those who say they just can’t live without it, you can, gloriously so!
Shelly, I think you just put forward a strong argument for moving to Tunisia. 7 months free of kale? I can’t make it through 7 minutes without hearing about or seeing it stateside.
I have very sad news.
It’s here.
There in the corner of the produce stand was a small bunch of you know what.
Sigh. I did what any rational person would do. When the vendor wasn’t looking I flipped in behind the greens display.
I hope it rots.
You are my new idol.
Your poems are very enjoyable. After reading this, and the fungus poem, I seem to be reading everything rhythmically.
Bless you, my dear woman. I find it both a blessing and a curse that I tend to read everything rhythmically, poem or no. xom
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I won’t eat kale as well
I’m glad someone said it
It’s green, it’s bitter and it smells
Like old socks fermenting
My attempt to speak in rhyme is pretty pathetic compared to the mastery of your quill. You made me laugh and gave me strength to admit I also hate rocket (arugula in American speak).
Greetings from Zagreb, where you can find kale allllll year round (what fun!!)
The important thing is that you made the attempt. And I happen to have enjoyed the last line very much. If you are willing to share the recipe, I may know some interested parties.
Cheers,
Michael
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And to think, I was craving kale today. Again. *Sigh* Thanks for sharing your lovely poem in our food poetry party. Perhaps I’ll bake you a plate of cookies with a secret ingredient… 😉
Please tell me that secret ingredient is gin.
Or, rather, don’t tell me. It wouldn’t be a secret anymore.
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