Category Archives: Uncategorized

In My Solitude

A pair of mourning doves were fucking outside my kitchen window the other day. At the very least, they were giving it the old college try. The male fluttered his well-groomed wings from time to time to maintain an awkward … Continue reading

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The Assholes of the Sea

I quietly left the table, pleased by the thought that, because of my efforts, one more asshole in the world had been well and truly licked. Continue reading

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Crème de Pot

In 2018, I am now far too old to be mixing drugs and alcohol cavalierly and have yet to secure my Election Night companionship, but I do know what I’ll be serving to those who do decide to endure this biennial ritual with me: Continue reading

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In My Own Little Corner.

I’m not going to worry about whether I’m the office type or not. It doesn’t matter. Continue reading

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Hallo, Fremder.

No one needs to live in a near-constant state of darkness unless one is, say, Scandinavian. Continue reading

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Iceberg with Russian Dressing

To serve, place each iceberg wedge in a deep bowl and ladle dressing over them until only their tips are left exposed, which will be fun for your guests because they will have absolutely no idea how much crap they’ll have to wade through to get to the bottom of everything. Continue reading

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Down Argentine Way

It was then that I realized something very important: diapers don’t have feelings. Continue reading

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A Question of Size

It isn’t my job to judge you if you like your steak and your pepper mills well endowed. Judgement’s more like my hobby, really. Continue reading

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So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish.

I quit my job. The restaurant one. The one where, over a span of seventeen years, I have sold (and possibly eaten) several tons of sea life. Continue reading

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Greek Mythology

“Well, if you really want to know, I’ll tell you why we can’t drink at work. But only after you’ve finished your dinner because the story’s a bit…bloody.” Continue reading

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