Category Archives: Uncategorized

Hallo, Fremder.

No one needs to live in a near-constant state of darkness unless one is, say, Scandinavian. Continue reading

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Iceberg with Russian Dressing

To serve, place each iceberg wedge in a deep bowl and ladle dressing over them until only their tips are left exposed, which will be fun for your guests because they will have absolutely no idea how much crap they’ll have to wade through to get to the bottom of everything. Continue reading

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Down Argentine Way

It was then that I realized something very important: diapers don’t have feelings. Continue reading

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A Question of Size

It isn’t my job to judge you if you like your steak and your pepper mills well endowed. Judgement’s more like my hobby, really. Continue reading

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So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish.

I quit my job. The restaurant one. The one where, over a span of seventeen years, I have sold (and possibly eaten) several tons of sea life. Continue reading

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Greek Mythology

“Well, if you really want to know, I’ll tell you why we can’t drink at work. But only after you’ve finished your dinner because the story’s a bit…bloody.” Continue reading

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Les Marseillaises

I remembered reading something by MFK Fisher about her time living in Marseilles and how she was impressed by the efficiency of the local housewives who, rather than waste time constantly changing the salt cod’s soaking water, placed hunks of it in their toilet tanks so that every time someone spent a penny, their future dinner got a fresh change of water. I tried to find that passage again but couldn’t locate it. And then I thought to myself, “Well, she drank.” Continue reading

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Six Months to Live

The headline, if a tad misleading, is accurate. Continue reading

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The Next Worst Thing

I learned that I had put a bottle of bleach in the freezer when I discovered my raspberry gelato under the sink. Continue reading

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The Fruitlessness of Hope

Our neighborhood was so fruitful during the summer that bags of produce would simply be abandoned on our doorstep like fructifying orphans in desperate need of a home. Continue reading

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