Clams are, by instinct and necessity of location, bottom feeders. They spend most of their lives buried under the sand, revealing themselves only at high tide, which is when they seem to be happiest, as the saying goes.
Due to a rather unnatural and difficult-to-explain-to-the-rest-of-the-world phenomenon which occurred on or around the 8th of November, 2016, millions of clams have simultaneously decided it was safe to come out of their marine and freshwater hiding places.
What, you might ask, can we do with such a surprising and overwhelming abundance? One’s natural instinct is to eat them. But how?
Clams in white wine and garlic are always a treat. New England clam chowder, too. But these recipes feel tainted, like they just aren’t white enough for current American tastes.
After an exhaustive search, I have found the perfect recipe for Today’s America deep in the bowels of Breitbart.com’s underused and discontinued food page*. I have merely changed a few of the directions, added a few notes, and given it a catchier name to avoid copyright infringement.
Ku Klux Klams
Warning: Clams are unashamed shell-dwellers and are therefore treif. Sorry, Jews.
Serves: Quite possibly 4 to 8 years.
For the Steamed Clams:
littlehand littleneck clams. Do not use Manila clams as they are invasive and tend to steal healthcare jobs.
• 4 tablespoons of butter. If you are avoiding butter for health reasons, use bacon grease. If you use olive oil, your neighbors may accuse you of being Catholic or, worse, Greek Orthodox.
• 1/2 white onion, finely diced. Do not add garlic (see above).
• 8 ounces of clam juice
• 1/2 can of real beer, which is any beer with a proper German name or wrapped in an American flag.
To make White Sauce**
• 2 tablespoons of butter
• 2 tablespoons of white flour
• ¼teaspoon of salt
• 1/8 teaspoon of white pepper (Note: black pepper will ruin the purity of your sauce.)
• 1 cup of whole milk.
1. Heat butter and/or bacon grease in a large, heavy-bottomed pot (which is accompanied
by a tight-fitting lid). Dutch ovens are grudgingly acceptable. Add the onion and sauté
until transparent and almost ghostlike. Add beer and whisk together.
2. Add clams and clam juice to the pot, cover, and let seethe for 8 to 10 minutes until they
open. Any clams which refuse to open up should be set aside and commended.
3. As the clams stew in their juices, melt 2 tablespoons of butter in a small saucepan over
low heat. Add flour, salt, and white pepper. Stir until the mixture smooths and bubbles.
Do not overcook or allow to turn any shade of brown.
4. Stir in the milk and heat, whipping it up into an alarming froth for about one minute or
until it thickens enough to coat anything it touches.
5. Remove clams from their broth and place them in a large porcelain (white) serving
bowl. Enrobe the clams by pouring the white sauce over them in violent, swirling
motions. Do not garnish.
Editor’s Note: To serve, bring the bowl to your guests who have assembled hungrily around your table. Stare down at your handiwork and recoil in horror at what you’ve just created. You are more than welcome to break down in tears at this moment. Your guests will be confused, but they will wait. Apologize to them, stating that no one has to eat this garbage and that you’re sorry you ever brought it to the table in the first place. Remove the clams from the table, place in a heavy-duty garbage bag, tie firmly closed, and throw away immediately. Remind yourself to scrub the hell out of your kitchen in the morning.
Return to the table with cheese and crackers or whatever you might have on hand that will tide over your guests for the next 60 minutes until the Pakistani food you ordered from GrubHub arrives. Pour a round of drinks and wonder what other kinds of crap people will try to feed you over the next few years.
Stock up on more alcohol.
* There is no food page on Breitbart.com. Please tell me you knew that.
** Or, if you are one of my French readers who is a fan of Marine Le Pen, sauce béchamel.