Shitty and Sweet: Cake Poops

Cakepoop Group ShotThere are times when all I can see is the shit in my life: I’m broke, I’ve gained ten pounds, I’m tired of my job, I don’t have a boyfriend, I haven’t been to Iceland, I don’t have an au pair, I can’t read Japanese, I’m going to die alone.

Et cetera. I wallow. I get mired in my own muck.

And then, thanks to the miracle of the Gregorian calendar, it’s a new year. I reflect upon the past, look to the future, and meditate upon the present and try to focus on what’s so good about it. It’s an excellent exercise. Please remind me to do it more than once per annum.

I’m reminded that the core of my life is essentially a sweet one, in spite of its sometimes shitty appearance. I may not have an au pair, but I do have remarkable friends, a loving family, good health, a roof over my head, and more than enough food to eat (see: gained ten pounds). And that job I’m tired of? It’s the best restaurant gig in town filled with people I care about, and a management staff who is miraculously supportive of my writing career, such as it is.

It may not be an ideal life. It might not be all that I want it to be. Overall, however, it ain’t bad.

To put things in vaguely Chinese terms, I know I haven’t finished with the Dragons of 4709. I’m sure I’ll be dealing with them again in the coming year. But I am so ready to slough off my dead scales and prepare my new skin for The Year of The Snake that I could just spit. Like a cobra or some other thing that looks vaguely like a snake and is prone to expectorating.

Life isn’t all good, nor should anyone expect it to be. But it isn’t all bad, either. Whatever comes your way this year, be prepared to take the shitty along with the sweet.

And vice versa.

Cakepoop toilet paper

 

Cake Poops

Nothing (to me) says shitty and sweet more than a cake pop with a fecal motif. Cake pops on their own are far too sugary and cute for my taste. To offset these qualities, I simply introduced something delightfully uncomfortable to the mix. Because life needs balance. And fiber.

I would very much like to thank Mister Irvin Lin and Ms. Kristina McLean for the inspiration and advice in the creation of these confections.

Makes: A Shitload of Cake Poops**

Ingredients:

I’m not going into “How to make cake” and “How to make frosting” for these treats. You’re smart enough to figure these things out for yourself. If you are not smart enough, or are just too tired to do so, go to this place, or this place, or this place for help.

• Cake, either yellow or chocolate. Although carrot cake would be most intriguing, texturally speaking.
• Frosting: please use chocolate frosting for maximum effect.
• 2 bags (24 ounces) of white chocolate chips, morsels, or what have you.
• A bag of pop sticks
• Candy corn, sesame seeds, etc. for garnish (optional)
• A deep container, such as a champagne bucket, which adds a bit of much-needed elegance.
• A large bag of kitty litter.

Preparation:

1. In a large bowl, destroy the cake until it is a mass of fine crumbs. Mix in about one cup of chocolate frosting and combine with clean hands (You may use a spatula, if you’re squeamish. On second thought, if you’re squeamish, you wouldn’t be making these in the first place.) until you have a smoothish paste. Roll the paste into balls (I weigh mine to 39 grams a pop), place on wax paper-lined cookie sheet, and place in the freezer for about 15 minutes, or until firm.

2. While your cake poops are in the freezer, melt the white chocolate over a double boiler. Stir until smooth and fully melted.

3. Fill your champagne bucket with kitty litter to its very brim (If you do not have enough litter, stuff the bottom of the bucket with kitchen towels first.). I have only heard of people using styrofoam in order to stabilize their cake pops, but I do not believe in styrofoam. Kitty litter is ideal for both supporting the finished product and, naturally, for serving.

4. When your cake poops are suitably firm, pull them out of the freezer and place them near your stove where your white chocolate can get at it.  Dip the tip of a pop stick about 1/2 inch into the white chocolate and insert this sticky end half way into one of your cake balls. Dip the cake ball into the white chocolate. Remove, swirl, and gently tap the stick to remove excess coating. Bakerella has an excellent video on how to prepare such things. You might want to take a look at it before proceeding.

5. Place the cake poop stick-side down in to champagne bucket full of litter. Repeat until finished.

6. When the balls have sufficiently dried, pipe little coils of chocolate frosting onto the top of each pop. Garnish with candy corn, sesame seeds, or just leave plain.

Serve to adults and children alike.

Cakepoop Solo

*This date may not be accurate, since no one can really agree as to what year it really is on the Chinese calendar. This is because there are multiple calendars used, so let us just agree to disagree on this particular point.)

** Caution: loads may vary.

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About Michael Procopio

I write about food and am very fond of Edward Gorey. And gin.
This entry was posted in Sweets and the Like and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

67 Responses to Shitty and Sweet: Cake Poops

  1. Genie says:

    OMG. DYING. DYING. DYING.
    I am so honored to know you. That is all.

  2. Fatemeh says:

    I’m totally making red velvet cake poops as a get-well treat for a friend who just had hemorrhoid surgery.

    Yea, I went there. You bring it out in me.

    {smooch}

  3. Kristina says:

    I can’t even begin to describe the love I have for you right now. All I know is that it transcends quinoa & kale chips tied together with pink baker’s twine into a bouquet. I wish we could run away together and make these authentic cake poops forever.

  4. Maryann bloomquist says:

    You are so funny, as a cake pop and cupcake baker, knowing these are your favorite things, I am always looking for new inspiration, this did it. Love your posts. Happy New Year!! Maryann ( Shannon’s friend) if you didn’t recall.

  5. Finally, a reason to consider making these.

  6. Heather in SF @Heatherhal says:

    So. Awesome.

  7. Irvin says:

    Brilliance! So glad to help inspire and give advice for all the “crap” you make. ;)

  8. kelly says:

    THIS. sharing the crap out of this. [har har]

  9. Michelle says:

    I could not say it better than Barbara above. Brilliant!

  10. I think I will never eat a cake pop again (not a bad thing) and I will smile in an evil but happy kind of way whenever I see them. Thank you for that Michael.

    • You are most welcome, Beth.

      And now I am wondering if I have any sort of smile other than my evil one. If you need me, I will be practicing other varieties in my bathroom mirror, careful to avoid the cake poops which are strewn about the floor.

  11. P.S. the picture with the roll of toilet paper is genius

  12. Okay, this is officially my favorite New Year’s post for 2013. Maybe 2014. And I’ve been reading them for DAYS! Love it!!

  13. Genius. Pure genius. Thank god for the cake poops. I hope they eclipse the horrifying cake pop trend and become the new irony in in 2013. Adore you. Oh, and I’m so glad you see the sweet (and the wit) in the difficult stuff, too. xoxoxo

  14. Sharmila says:

    I giggled through my lunch reading this. So fabulously funny. Fantastic attitude and Happy new year to you!

  15. John Smart says:

    best food writer EVAH….

    • Mr. Smart– I can think of a few people I would rate above myself, but I am delighted to know that I rank so high in your esteem.

      Thank you. And thank you for the shout out on your blog.

      xom

  16. You prove here once again that the best writing is that in which you put all your shit out there. This time literally. Good work my friend.

    • Thank you, dear Trevor.

      I now have this vision of my shit being scrutinized by imperial eunuchs like the child emperor Pu Yi in that Bertolucci film.

      I must now re-watch it and see how I feel.

  17. DailyPUMA says:

    The weight gain thing, it’s Revenge of the Mayans.

  18. krystina says:

    best yield on a recipe, ever: “a shitload of cake pops”

  19. robin carpenter says:

    What a lovely piece – poignant and so evocative of the mythological Caga tio “shitting log” of Catalonia. You know, the one where we all bring in a little log during the Christmas season and cover it with a small red blanket, “feed it” tiny bits of food, sing to it and then hit it with a stick until it poops treats for us. I can’t wait to add cake poops to my Cago tio demands! Happy New Year

  20. Peggy Fallon says:

    You are a sick man, Michael Procopio. And that’s why we love you.

  21. These are brilliant and hilarious. Great mantra to start the new year with too :)

  22. Nikki says:

    Brilliant… just brilliant.

    • Thank you. The idea for them came up rather organically. To me, the seemed the most natural thing in the world to make.

      And now I hope they are spread about the world to share like some sort of sugary manure.

      Cheers,

      Michael

  23. Kalyn says:

    You crack me up.

  24. You know it’s going to be a good post when champagne bucket and kitty litter are included in the ingredients list. Full of poop, you are. And that’s why we all love you.

  25. Sandy Smith says:

    Every time I read one of your posts, I think, “Sweet mother of Abraham Lincoln, I want to have drinks with that guy!” Hilarious! Please, just tell me you have a book coming out. Either that, or come have a round with us sometime ~ we’re restaurant people and we love making fun of things as much as we love doing the things we love making fun of. :) Happy New Year!

    • Poor Abraham Lincoln’s mother. She died of the milk sickness, you know.

      I’d love to tell you that I have a book coming out, but I don’t as yet.

      And I love drinking with restaurant people. It’s one of my favorite activities.

  26. kellypea says:

    I will forever more approach the dreaded daily task of freshening my cats’ litter boxes with renewed vigor and images of cakepoops (which autocorrect ironically just tried to change to “came plops”) dancing in my head — or something. Thanks for the inspiration!

    • It is my pleasure (and surprise) to be able to inspire anyone. Thank you.

      With each clump you remove from the cat box, imagine it filled with frosting and cake crumbs. That should make the work pleasanter. Or it could have the opposite effect. One can never be too sure about these things until one has experienced them first hand.

  27. Sharon says:

    I was just about to comment on the groundbreaking appearance of “kitty litter” as a dessert ingredient in your inspired recipe, when I googled to make sure and found a truly disturbing collection of kitty litter cakes, complete with photos. Needless to say, I’m off google for a while. But still on to your wonderful blog. Happy New Year!

  28. Tamara says:

    I am inspired! I have 3 friends with birthdays this weekend. I am hosting a big party at our house this and at our age…. fill in your own impossible to believe number… this birthday cake will be perfect! I will use the toilet bowl idea, and everyone can grab what little sweetness is left as their youth swirls down the drain.

    Thank you, Thank you

    Tamara

  29. ginny says:

    Omg. I just noticed the candy corn. Am I the only one who got that reference? Great minds think alike :)

  30. David Leite says:

    I suppose the carrot cake poop is the high-fiber version? Good for when you’re feeling a little less than your best self?

  31. Pingback: Newest Hippest Food Trends for 2013 |

  32. EL says:

    Did someone have hemorrhoids (candy corn)?

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