I Won’t Eat Kale

I won’t eat kale, I won’t eat kale.
There’s nobody can make me.
I’d rather eat a coffin nail
And pray the Lord to take me.

It’s good for you! A super food!
I hear the health nuts spittle.
Which leaves me with an attitude
That’s worse than non-committal.

It used to be for mere display
around a garden’s borders.
But now, alas, to my dismay,
Kale’s served on doctors’ orders.

Of flavonoids, there’s forty-five
for detox comprehensive.
But I’d prefer to burn alive
Than eat what’s so offensive.

Though famed for fighting cancers
Such as colon, breast, and ovary,
To arsenic I’d turn for answers
Just like Madame Bovary.

I’m fond of many other leaves
Like collards and Swiss chard
But kale, I say, gives me the heaves
More than frenching a St. Bernard.

Curly, plain, or dinosaur
I never will inhale.
I’d rather touch a gyno sore
Than eat a plate of kale.

God knows that it’s been blogged to death
By people meaning well
And I just might be flogged to death
For damning kale to hell.

“What harm’s it ever done to you?”
You very well might ask me.
After I tell you, I may well impel you to
Embalm me and then cask me.

In a town made of celebrity maps
And high profile divorces,
I worked for a woman with toothy caps
Much larger than a horse’s.

She swore by kale– its healthy merits–
Which always caused me pain.
I’d opt to be rogered to death by ferrets
Than think of her mouth again.

Those equine teeth with bits of green matter
Caught in between her gums
Was enough to cause my stomach to scatter
(And a growing addiction to Tums®).

The thought still haunts me in my dreams
And causes psychic pain.
So I’d rather be quartered by oxen teams
Than ever see kale again.

 

 

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About Michael Procopio

I write about food and am very fond of Edward Gorey. And gin.
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43 Responses to I Won’t Eat Kale

  1. Hilarious! I’m also bored of finding kale everywhere in English-speaking blogs, is really that popular? Hardly ever heard of it here in Spain…

  2. julie says:

    This is the most outstanding poem about a vegetable that I have ever read.

  3. Ryan says:

    A damning tale of leafy woe
    Might incite the ire of most.
    I do find your clever rhyme though
    Quite deserving of a toast.

  4. “Of flavonoids, there’s forty-five
    for detox comprehensive.
    But I’d prefer to burn alive
    Than eat what’s so offensive.”

    LOL! What if there were 46?

    Hilarious! I eat kale for health benefits and wonder how can people love it so much to call it delicious :)

    Made me laugh, thanks
    Olga

  5. cugina says:

    Oh this is beautiful in its own right.
    When do we get a post about the former employer with the equine teeth?? Can’t wait. I’m sure it’ll be a real tribute.
    xo

    • I’ve been toying with the idea of a piece about her. And that place. However, I recently learned that she has gone completely and utterly off her rocker and believes that the entire universe is out to get her.

      Such things come from a life ill-lived.

      I’ll get working on it straight away.

      xom

  6. Sharon says:

    Kale responds:

    We’ve no oxen, nails or ferret clans
    With which to give you pleasure
    Your absence from our legions of fans
    Is a loss far beyond measure

    This sudden, uninvited hate
    All your rhyming disregard
    For a few stray greens upon your plate?
    Sir Procopio, that’s hard

  7. Magda says:

    hhahaha this is hilarious! Love this ode to anti-kale-ism (I’m sure that’s a word!).

  8. Though famed for fighting cancers
    Such as colon, breast, and ovary,
    I’d rather eat chocolate
    Because food is not supposed to be medicine

    (Free verse – no rhyming)

  9. Haha this definitely made me giggle. I keep thinking I need to add kale to things because of all the health benefits, but it does not seem like something I’d enjoy.

    • I didn’t think scotch would be something I’d enjoy either but, after years of trying, I have acquired a taste for it.

      I drink it for its health benefits.

      I suppose the same argument can be made for kale.

  10. Trix says:

    It’s too bad, I quite like kale
    Though not because it’s healthy
    I’ll eat it raw, or cooked in stews
    Plus it’s cheap, and I’m not wealthy

    I always floss it from my teeth
    I don’t like to give offense!
    But truth be told, I prefer rare steak
    (That’s all I’ll say in kale’s defense)

  11. Piper Ellie says:

    I love Kale in my Zuppa Toscana

  12. NOLAnn says:

    I’d eat kale every day for a year if we could have Sean Payton.

  13. ha ha hilarious! The poem and the comments. What a good dose of laughter this morning from Kuwait :-) I mean we don’t even get Kale as often here but I know people know about the craze already since all the blogs tend to blog about it!

    • Kulsum– And now, I suppose, I have to count myself among the millions who mention kale. I may need to be shot.

      I’m glad you enjoy the comment section. Sometimes, I think that’s my favorite part of the post.

  14. Becky D says:

    You may not see it, but I am bowing to your awesomeness. Best. Poem. Ever. Oh, and just for the record, kale gives me the creeps. :)

  15. Every week when I go the market here in Tunisia I have to give myself a little talk. You might see it this week…..surely with the change in season it will pop up…….maybe next month the dreaded green will rear its mangy head….And every week I rejoice that no kale has been found! I am now 7 months free of kale. For those who say they just can’t live without it, you can, gloriously so!

  16. Susan says:

    Your poems are very enjoyable. After reading this, and the fungus poem, I seem to be reading everything rhythmically.

  17. Pingback: Chard and Cheese Tart Recipe | Eat the Love

  18. I won’t eat kale as well
    I’m glad someone said it
    It’s green, it’s bitter and it smells
    Like old socks fermenting

    My attempt to speak in rhyme is pretty pathetic compared to the mastery of your quill. You made me laugh and gave me strength to admit I also hate rocket (arugula in American speak).
    Greetings from Zagreb, where you can find kale allllll year round (what fun!!)

    • The important thing is that you made the attempt. And I happen to have enjoyed the last line very much. If you are willing to share the recipe, I may know some interested parties.

      Cheers,

      Michael

  19. Pingback: Kale Salad with Chilli, Garlic and Parmesan « Laura's Mess

  20. annelies says:

    And to think, I was craving kale today. Again. *Sigh* Thanks for sharing your lovely poem in our food poetry party. Perhaps I’ll bake you a plate of cookies with a secret ingredient… ;)

  21. Pingback: food poetry party recap

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