The great 20th century poet/philosopher Pat Benatar once remarked that “hell is for children.” Jean-Paul Sartre, a lesser-known thinker from the same century, wrote that “hell is other people.”
I would like to take these ideas to the next, logical step by saying that I firmly believe that hell is other people’s children. If you’ve ever sat through endless hours of proud, new parents cooing over the latest achievements of their newborns or tried to sleep on a transatlantic flight in economy class with an infant screeching behind your center seat, you know precisely what I mean.
Babies are a global menace. They create bio-hazards, noise pollution, their conception is the primary cause of the Earth’s overpopulation, and they don’t do much in the way of tricks when they are newly born. They gobble up valuable space and precious resources with their carriers, strollers, and bags of toys. And they grow into adults who disappoint their parents.
They are the purest form of evil. Unfortunately, their cute packaging makes them difficult to eradicate.
I know what you’re thinking. Your baby couldn’t be evil. In fact, he or she might grow up to be an astronaut or even the President of the United States.
And what of it? If your child does become an astronaut, with the exception of the occasional appearance at a high school science fair, he or she will be jobless and sponge off of you for the rest of your days. President? I shudder to think what type of soulless child you plan to raise who would actually want that kind of employment.
Pure evil, I say.
Why look to the skies when planning for your child’s future? I suggest you aim lower. Much, much lower. Not in terms of aspirations, mind you. I just happen to think your baby would have much better job security if he were the Son of Satan.
Why dream of your child becoming the leader of the Free World when he can one day enslave the entire planet?
I know you believe your child is special. You were programmed that way. However, I should warn you that, though the Earth is littered with evil babies, there’s only room for one Heir to The Underworld. To know if your child might be the one, true Anti-God, I have compiled a handy checklist (for mother’s only):
Signs your baby might be the Prince of Hell:
1. Near the time of your child’s conception, did you:
a) Eat a suspicious dessert?
b) Black out?
c) Wake up with unexplained scratches on your back?
2. During pregnancy, were you:
a) Losing weight?
b) Experiencing cramping?
c) Cajoled into ingesting vitamin drinks by an overbearing old woman?
d) Suddenly overcome by the need to visit Vidal Sassoon?
e) Completely paranoid?
3. After the birth of your child, did you find yourself wanting to:
a) Hide your pills?
b) Re-organize the linen closet?
c) Become a knife-wielding party crasher?
If after reading the following list, you discover that your child is only lower-case “e” evil, take heart– he or she can still grow up to be President.
On the other hand, if you answered “yes” to any one of these questions, your child is more than likely the future Prince of Darkness.
And Happy, Happy Halloween.
Rosemary’s Baby Food
Infants of Satan are much like ordinary babies, but with extra-special dietary needs. Iron, flesh, and fungus are important to their developmental health, but aren’t found in sufficient amounts in regular baby food. This easy, delicious recipe is tailored to those needs and will help your baby to grow strong and eventually enslave the world.
Try it on your own Hell Spawn today*.
Makes about 4 servings.
1 cup fresh, organic English peas
1/4 cup apple juice
4 oz. Silken tofu (for texture)
2 oz. ram’s blood
1 tablespoon puréed goat’s penis
1/4 ground Tannis root. Algerian or Syrian. Algerian may be more expensive, but has less of an undertaste that some find objectionable.
1. In a medium-sized pentagram, place your blender. After offering up both your child and your soul to Satan, add all ingredients and purée until smooth. If the mixture is too thin, add a little more tofu and blend again.
2. Transfer baby food to a sterile container: glass, white porcelain, or human skull. Do NOT store in aluminum or use foil to cover.
3. Though the purée will last refrigerated for three days, it’s best to serve immediately. You really don’t want to keep a baby like that waiting.
*Not recommended for children who have been baptized.