Rosemary’s Baby Food

The great 20th century poet/philosopher Pat Benatar once remarked that “hell is for children.” Jean-Paul Sartre, a lesser-known thinker from the same century, wrote that “hell is other people.”

I would like to take these ideas to the next, logical step by saying that I firmly believe that hell is other peoples’ children. If you’ve ever sat through endless hours of proud, new parents cooing over the latest achievements of their newborns or tried to sleep on a transatlantic flight in economy class with an infant screeching behind your center seat, you know precisely what I mean.

Babies are a global menace. They create bio-hazards, noise pollution, their conception is the primary cause of the Earth’s overpopulation,  and they don’t do much in the way of tricks when they are newly born. They gobble up valuable space and precious resources with their carriers, strollers, and bags of toys. And they grow into adults who disappoint their parents.

They are the purest form of evil. Unfortunately, their cute packaging makes them difficult to eradicate.

I know what you’re thinking. Your baby couldn’t be evil. In fact, he or she might grow up to be an astronaut or even the President of the United States.

And what of it? If your child does become an astronaut, with the exception of the occasional appearance at a high school science fair, he or she will be jobless and sponge off of you for the rest of your days. President? I shudder to think what type of soulless child you plan to raise who would actually want that kind of employment.

Pure evil, I say.

The name-- it's an anagram

Why look to the skies when planning for your child’s future? I suggest you aim lower. Much, much lower. Not in terms of aspirations, mind you. I just happen to think your baby would have much better job security if he were the Son of Satan.

Why dream of your child becoming the leader of the Free World when he can one day enslave the entire planet?

I know you believe your child is special. You were programmed that way. However,  I should warn you that, though the Earth is littered with evil babies, there’s only room for one Heir to The Underworld. To know if your child might be the one, true Anti-God, I have compiled a handy checklist (for mother’s only):

Signs your baby might be the Prince of Hell:

1. Near the time of your child’s conception, did you:
a) Eat a suspicious dessert?
b) Black out?
c) Wake up with unexplained scratches on your back?

2. During pregnancy, were you:
a) Losing weight?
b) Experiencing cramping?
c) Cajoled into ingesting vitamin drinks by an overbearing old woman?
d) Suddenly overcome by the need to visit Vidal Sassoon?
e) Completely paranoid?

3. After the birth of your child, did you find yourself wanting to:
a)  Hide your pills?
b) Re-organize the linen closet?
c) Become a knife-wielding party crasher?

If after reading the following list, you discover that your child is only lower-case “e” evil, take heart– he or she can still grow up to be President.

On the other hand, if you answered “yes” to any one of these questions, your child is more than likely the future Prince of Darkness.

Congratulations!

And Happy, Happy Halloween.

Rosemary’s Baby Food

Infants of Satan are much like ordinary babies, but with extra-special dietary needs. Iron, flesh, and fungus are important to their developmental health, but aren’t found in sufficient amounts in regular baby food. This easy, delicious recipe is tailored to those needs and will help your baby to grow strong and eventually enslave the world.

Try it on your own Hell Spawn today*.

Makes about 4 servings.

Ingredients:

1 cup fresh, organic English peas
1/4 cup apple juice
4 oz. Silken tofu (for texture)
2 oz. ram’s blood
1 tablespoon puréed goat’s penis
1/4 ground Tannis root. Algerian or Syrian. Algerian may be more expensive, but has less of an undertaste that some find objectionable.

Preparation:

1. In a medium-sized pentagram, place your blender. After offering up both your child and your soul to Satan, add all ingredients and purée until smooth. If the mixture is too thin, add a little more tofu and blend again.

2. Transfer baby food to a sterile container: glass, white porcelain, or human skull. Do NOT store in aluminum or use foil to cover.

3. Though the purée will last refrigerated for three days, it’s best to serve immediately. You really don’t want to keep a baby like that waiting.

*Not recommended for children who have been baptized.

 

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About Michael Procopio

I write about food and am very fond of Edward Gorey. And gin.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Stage, Film, and Television and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to Rosemary’s Baby Food

  1. Craig Rosa says:

    Mike: hellishly hilarious post — though you’ve misspelled your philosopher’s (and my first adolescent star-crush’s) name. it is Pat *Benatar* , not Benetar… though Benetar would be a good name for a dandruff shampoo.

    • Craig,

      When I discovered my mistake on the way to work, I thought, “Oh my god! I can’t believe I spelled her name wrong!” And then I realized that invoking God’s name in this particular case would do me no good whatsoever.

      And, see, I told you you were good at naming things. I was thinking more of an early 1980′s Pride and Prejudice featuring the Bennetar sisters: Jane, Elizabeth, Mary, Kitty, and Pat, who elopes with her unscrupulous manager and nearly ruins the family’s good name.

  2. Thank goodness you have posted again. I’ve resorted to reading blog posts about cupcakes with polka dots on it. The blog-o-sphere has been dull without you. That said, I’m curious about where to source ram’s blood. Can I get that on Amazon? I’ve only been able to find lamb’s blood in the neighborhood. Is that an acceptable substitute or will there unwanted ramifications if used?

    • Irvin,

      Reading about polka dotted cupcakes sounds like my own, particular version of hell. Lamb’s blood is okay to use, but much less potent than ram’s. I’ve never seen it for sale on Amazon, but I’m certain fresh can easily be found in either the kitchen of a hipster Mission/Valencia St restaurant or on a football field in St. Louis. I should warn you, however, that fresh Ram’s cheerleader blood will not do.

  3. Sharon says:

    Can you recommend any kind of household cleaning products for when said spawn of hell projectile vomits the Rosemary’s Baby Food across the room at the visiting priest while his/her head rotates a full 360 degrees? I hate to be a bad hostess.

  4. Ellen Fitzpatrick says:

    Michael: Another wonderful post! I was thinking of sharing but I’m not sure all the East Coast Catholic relatives that I’m friends with on FB would appreciate the wonderful snarky smart-ass humor that is you…

    P.S. After pureeing the goat’s penis and removing a tablespoon for the recipe does one just freeze the leftovers for future recipes or are there no leftovers? (I’ve never measured.)

    • Thanks, Ellen. I think you *should* post it on FB, just to see what happens. I’ll bet you anything nothing at all happens.

      And are you trying to tell me you’ve never measured a penis or merely a goat’s penis?

      P.S. I don’t recommend freezing anything meant for Hell Spawn. It doesn’t seem to agree with them for some reason.

  5. Jay Floyd says:

    The only problem with children is that they demand all of your attention but don’t really know anything.

    It’s like dating pretty people.

  6. Dee says:

    This is brilliant, but I’m stumped by the Scrabble puzzle. No matter how I move the tiles around, I can’t get them to spell “Bill O’Reilly.” Is it supposed to be Karl Rove? Thanks!!!!

  7. Susan says:

    Finally got it. I can’t tell you how much time it took!
    HAPPY HALLOWEEN
    to you too!!!!!!!

    • Hi Susan. At first, I thought “Finally got it” meant the Scrabble anagram. Now I have the feeling it means you finally received your copy of Best Food Writing. Which supposition is correct? xom

  8. You are hysterical. I love your unapologetic wit. Hear, hear!

  9. Becky D says:

    Heh heh. You keeeeeerack me up.

  10. Lindy says:

    It’s all true, but only boy babies……..
    Coming from a mother of 3 boys and one girl
    I think God felt sorry for me and decided to let me have one girl………….

  11. kitchenbeard says:

    I like to say “My dear, you are genetically programmed to find your child cute and adorable. I am not and therefor don’t.”

  12. Well this sounds strangely funny I guess .And an ideal blog post for Holloween’s trick or treat .Advance happy halloween Earthlings! :) [ heir to the underworld dot com ]

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