Danish Modern

PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS A SPONSORED POST*

These days, my email inbox is filled with requests from people and companies begging for my advice and endorsement, knowing full well that even a casual mention from me will send their page views and/or sales into the stratosphere.

But I have always graciously declined their offers of money and immoral personal services because I have standards. I cannot be bought for the price of a new immersion blender or a bag of frozen peas– even if they do come with a happy ending.

So when Crown Prince Frederik of Denmark sent me a touching letter on such lovely (and expensive) -looking note paper, I was thrown into a great moral quandary:

My dear friend Michael Procopio of the Anaheim Procopios,

I hope this letter finds you well. I realize it’s been ages since my last letter, but I’ve been very busy as of late what with studying climate change in Greenland and siring heirs. I understand your time is very valuable and that it takes much effort and brain power to come up with delicious, career-reviving celebrity-themed recipes, so I will get straight to the point:

My country needs your help. As you know, we are a well-educated, introspective people; our climate is cold and grey. And we’ve never quite gotten over losing Schleswig-Holstein, so we are, as a nation, in a bit of a funk. 

Can I count on you to bring a little sunshine into our otherwise clouded consciousness? I have done my part by marrying an Australian, but we need something more. It is my wish that you dream up a delicious apéritif using our delightful-but-under-utilized cherry wine, Kijafa**? My mother, The Queen, is very impressed by what you’ve done for the careers of two of her favorite entertainers– Shirley Temple and Blossom Dearie. (She sends her love and asks if you still have that little table she sent you from the summer house. She never heard back from you about it.)

Enclosed is one bottle of Kijafa. Do not hesitate to ask for more, should it be needed. Please say “yes”.

Yours very sincerely,

Frederik André Henrik Christian, Kronprins til Danmark, Greve af Monpezat

How could I say no to such a plea? And I do owe his mother a big thank you for the Danish Modern coffee table, though I’ve never dared to ask what those oily stains are around in the middle. I’m just going to assume it’s herring and leave it at that.

It appears that I can indeed be bought for a bottle of liquor and a flattering letter from a Crown Prince.

And, though I may now be a whore, at least I’m a royal whore.

Denmark in its heyday

The Danish Modern

I struggled with the naming of this drink. “The Melancholy Dane” first came to mind, but it’s not exactly what the Crown Prince had in mind when he asked me to cheer up his country. One look at the cherry sunk at the bottom of the glass inspired “The Drowning Ophelia”, but even that was still a bit grim– almost necrophilic.

And so, I fear the best I can do is call it “The Danish Modern” as a much belated thank you in recognition of The Queen’s kind furniture bequest. It has the sleek, clean lines of Danish mid-century design, only not quite-so-sober.

The people of Denmark, V & S Wine Importers, and I hope you enjoy this delightful summer drink.

The Danish Modern

Serves One deep-thinking, deeper-feeling drinker

Ingredients:

4 parts very cold Italian prosecco. A good one.
1 part Kijafa
1 Amarena cherry for garnish. Or if you happen to have some decent Danish ones or, better still, Finnish cherries laying about, use one of them.

Preparation:

1. In the glass of your choosing, pour the Kijafa. Next, pour in the prosecco. Gently drop a cherry into your glass and watch as it sinks to the bottom, much like that sweet, innocent little girl who went crazy in that play by that man about that prince who killed everybody.

2. Sing a few lines of both “Kong Christian” and “Der er et yndigt land”, lift your glass to Good Queen  Margethe II, and enjoy.

* Please tell me you don’t believe a word of this. I have never once taken money from a corporate sponsor for writing a post. I’m not saying that I cannot be bought, because I can. I’m merely waiting for the right offer.

** It should be noted that Kijafa may very well be enjoyed in Denmark, but it is produced in Finland, which possibly the one bit of Scandinavia over which the Danes have had no physical control in their long history. It should also be noted that Kijafa is also the first name of one Ms. Frink, who is (or was) the long-suffering fiancé of Michael Vick, noted football player and dog lover. Whether or not there is a direct link between Ms. Frink and V & S Wine Importers is, at this time, uncertain.


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About Michael Procopio

I write about food and am very fond of Edward Gorey. And gin.
This entry was posted in Liquids and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Danish Modern

  1. diane says:

    Glad to know that you can be bought for a bottle of liquor over a bag of peas. I always knew you had high standards. :)
    Thanks again for the laugh, the great read and the drink.
    xx

    • Diane,

      I have been considering lowering my standards lately, because they keep me embarrassingly poor. However, I refuse to put out for nothing less than an all-expenses-paid trip to somewhere glorious. For now, at least. Thanks for dropping by and saying “hey”. xom

  2. jenjenk says:

    I appreciate the fact that you are no less than a royal ho. We can now continue on with our road to friendship. :)

    I can’t wait to find and try this thing you call Kijafa…intrigued…

  3. Lawrence says:

    Where were you 32 years ago (yes!) when I was still drinking?

    (No, no, don’t answer that, it would make me look to be even more of a perv than I already am.)

    I am glad that it takes more than a salted peanut, in the words of Wayland Flowers and Madame to buy you off.

  4. Sharon says:

    I feel that you will next be approached by a reclusive Bohemian deadbeat, requesting a light dessert featuring Kafka. It is indeed a slippery slope.

  5. Chloe says:

    Cute – the Kronprins worked at a well-known Napa Valley winery where I was employed at the time (one of the Heering kids had also put in a stint there and Frederik wanted to do something before entering the military IIRC). My then step-daughter was also working at this winery and he asked her to lunch. She said she had already eaten. I felt like smacking her upside the head. Obviously not touched by the song “Some day my prince will come” – he was there and she already had lunch???

    Kids.

    • Your step-daughter should either be flogged for missing out on such an opportunity or applauded for not caring a fig for royalty.

      • Chloe says:

        She is my former stepdaughter and, per my daughter, is still in the throes of a meth addiction of some decades’ duration – probably then as well as now. I am sure we have all dabbled in some type of drug and/or drink, and some of us longer than others, but this has become dreary to hear. For the amount of money her mother has sunk into her teeth, she could have had a nice little Napa Valley bungalow by now.

        • I think dreary is an understatement. There are people close to me who have struggled with meth addiction. Successfully, I am happy to say. I hope people find it in their hearts to support her when she finally decides to rid herself of that awful, destructive drug. I’m sorry to hear about this.

  6. Amy says:

    I’ve been wondering what to do with my Finnish cherries, other than, you know, finish them. Many thanks!

  7. While his letter is very flattering, I wonder if he writes notes like that to all the boys? You can’t be too careful, you know.

    • Fortunately, we’re talking about Danish royalty and not, say, Prince Andrew. But come to think of it, Prince Andrew’s great-great grandmother Alexandra was Danish, so now I am utterly confused.

  8. Ha, this post is hilarious. I am reading it after a looong & fabulous day of mountain biking, hiking and fine dining. How ever will that bag of peas or fancy Kijafa pay for my extravagant lifestyle.?!

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