Moist Towelettes: Dampen Your Spirits

moist I have a problem with the word “moist.” Anyone who knows me well understands that.

For me, it’s right up there with the words “classy” and “slacks.” Upon admission to another person of my distaste for these words, the three are invariably strung together in a sentence, as in “Did you get of load of the moist, classy slacks on her?” It never fails. In fact, I expect it. Still, the mental images these sentences produce are just too jarring.

So perhaps it was in the spirit of irritating me that my friend Lyle, who has made several blog topic suggestions, ask that I write about moist towelettes. He is mildly fascinated by them.

“Well, why not?” I thought. It seemed like a good time to take on this personal difficulty of mine and tackle the towelette, however moist.

And then I promptly forgot about it.

One day about two weeks ago, I received a small envelope in the mail. No return address. I could feel a small, square packet underneath the outer paper. It had the telltale squishiness of an individually-packaged prophylactic. “Who the hell just sent me a condom?” It was near Valentine’s Day, after all. I thought it was either a gesture of bonne chance or a creepy offer from some as-yet-unknown admirer.

But no, it was just a moist towelette from Lyle. A simple reminder, not an offer of safe sex. So, Lyle, this one’s for you, though I warn you it’s more about the moist and less about the towelette.

Take a look at the adjective “moist” for a moment. According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, the word is derived from the Middle English moiste, from Anglo-French, perhaps from Vulgar Latin *muscidus, alteration of Latin mucidus slimy, from mucus nasal mucus.

It is currently defined as:
1. Slightly or moderately wet.
2. Tearful.
3. Characterized by high humidity.

Not a very promising start. In baking or cooking, moistness is typically a quality to which we aspire– it is the general goal of most cakes and chicken breasts, for example, to be moist. If they are not, the more sensitive cook will himself become moist around the eyes, as in the second definition of the word.

I have often attempted to avoid the word “moist” altogether, with tremendous awkwardness. To compliment a dinner hostess on her cake by saying, “That was a wonderful carrot cake, Mrs. Baker. It was so wonderfully not dry.” implies that this is something out of the norm, in terms of her baking skills. Saying that you are delighted to find the cake delightfully undessicated would fare no better. Instead, I have learned to say, “It’s really good.”

The word’s synonyms are far less attractive. To hail someone’s roast chicken as damp, dank, aqueous, steamy, clammy, humid, vaporous, dripping, boggy, or swampy would fare you no better in the diplomacy department than trying to use its antonyms.

Sadly, “moist” is the least offensive word choice available. And, don’t worry, I won’t look into the word “towelette.” Not on this blog, anyhow.

towelette-package

The Moist Towelette

There is so much to say on the topic of hand washing, both before and after meals, as a social ritual or an obsession with hygiene, that I will merely direct you to someone who can tell you about all the various customs and taboos related to the subject. If you haven’t read Margaret Visser’s The Rituals of Dinner yet, I will hound you until you do.

There is precious little for me to say on the actual topic of moist towelettes. My phone call to the Kleenex Hotline yielded nothing. As to where and when they originated, I can tell you nothing.

They can be found in numerous places: fried chicken eating establishments, rib joints, automotive centers, casinos, airplanes, possibly even the Lusty Lady Theatre. Moist towelettes are nearly always offered to customers free of charge, often with a company’s logo and business information printed on the package. They are, in a real sense, viewed as sanitizing business cards.

There are numerous aliases for the Moist Towelette: sanitary handwipes, wet wipes, wet naps, moist wipes, fresh wipes, etc. They are, by and large, the same thing. On wandering the aisles of a Walgreen’s recently, I discovered with little surprise that they are very similar in make up to Baby Wipes, Feminine Wipes, and Toilet Wipes. Just add a little baby powder, springtime, or pine-fresh scent, slap on a different label, and you’ve got yourself a brand new product. It’s just genius.

If there is more you’d like to know, good luck. However, if you’d like to make contact with a few people who are obsessed with moist towelettes, or would simply enjoy playing a quiet game of moist towelette Concentration, please visit ModernMoistTowelette.com

home-made-towelettes

Homemade Moist Towelettes

I know it sounds rather odd– even a complete waste of time– but you can, in fact, make your own. And without Polysorbate 20, Methylisothiazolinone, or Sodium Lauryl Glucose Carboxylate. They are gloriously, mindlessly easy.

Imagine your home made moist towelettes at your next outdoor or utensil-free eating event. At first, your guests will wonder what the hell you are offering them. If you have no problem at all with the word “moist”, your explanation will be a simple one. If you’re anything like me, you can just say, “They’re for wiping your hands.” People will thrill at your ingeniousness. And your thoughtfulness.

You can be just as clever as the folks at Kleenex or Proctor and Gamble, changing the scent of your wipes to suit your needs. Having a Moroccan Feast? Scent your wipes with almond oil. Persian? How about a bit of rosewater? Barbecue? Who cares? Just soak the towels in warm beer for all I care. The point is that the possibilities are endless.

Ingredients

1 cup Witch Hazel
1 tsp Glycerin
20 squares of good quality paper towels.
Fragrance of your choice (as much as you dare)

Preparation

Fold paper towels into non-threateningly-sized squares. Combine witch hazel, glycerin, and fragrance in a small container with a lid. Like one of those free cruets that would come with your packages of Good Seasons Zesty Italian dressing mix. Shake well, and pour over paper towels. Let towels stand for a few minutes to absorb the liquid.

Serve with a set of grilling tongs at arm’s length because, you know, they’re moist.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

About Michael Procopio

I write about food and am very fond of Edward Gorey. And gin.
This entry was posted in Rants and Stories and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Moist Towelettes: Dampen Your Spirits

  1. Katrina says:

    I kept giggling as I read this article. Luckily, it was before class started.

  2. After reading this article, I felt like the world’s most ambitious steward… ess.

  3. Velonaut says:

    Simply Amazing… May I suggest Dr. Hauschka’s spruce oil for a pleasing aromatically therapeutic wet one?

  4. Roo says:

    How funny — Jeff and I went out to dinner last night and some not-dry towelettes came to us with mints and the check. And we were in a Thai restaurant — a kind of cuisine not known for consumption with bare hands. How peculiar…

  5. A man after my own “moist, meal, slacks” hating heart. I too get the sentences. My friend kate can’t hear spatula, a lot harder for the cook to avoid. Thanks also for making this public, makes me look a little less crazy.

  6. tamerlane says:

    My biggest pet peeve is the phrase “pet peeve.”

  7. michaelprocopio says:

    Why, oh why do I enjoy my readers so much?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Connect with Facebook

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>